To eat, or not to eat? That is the question.

Well, I have to eat. But what shall it be?

For every study that tells me I should eat something because it is good for me, there is one that tells me the same thing is bad for me. I should eat more soy for protein and less meat for good heart health, but unfermented soy products are bad for me. Milk is bad for me, but soy milk is also bad for me…that leaves rice milk and almond milk. Maybe goat’s milk from goats I raised and milked myself is good for me, but no doubt, there are reports that will deny that.

If I eat beef, it must not be corn-fed feeder cattle designed to be raised for beef. It needs to be grass-fed. But then again, I should not be eating beef at all, just vegetables. But the vegetables must not be raised on regular farms, but organic, pesticide free farms…farms that use no commercial fertilizers either. The plant apparently is able to distinguish between nitrogen, potassium, and phosphorus contained in chemical fertilizers as opposed to those same chemicals coming from hand-placed chicken shit. But, if I use chicken shit, it must be composted first, which destroys many bad microbes. But wait….the chicken shit must come from organically raised chickens, and therefore be free from hormones and antibiotics.

Maybe I’ll stop eating chicken, too, and just eat wild turkey harvested at the point of my own shotgun…that’s pretty organic, don’t you think? Maybe some venison harvested at the point of my rifle. But, alas, as much as I like venison, my stomach doesn’t. It seems that the extra leanness of the meat causes me some problems and my stomach just refuses to allow me any comfort in its consumption.

Fish!! That’s the answer! I’ll eat more fish. But not shellfish, mind you. They’re not good for me, those cholesterol laden, bottom feeding shellfish. Those that come from the Gulf of Mexico, which is my most likely place to get good, FRESH seafood (and by fresh I mean fresh, not the government description of fresh, which just means never having been previously frozen.) Gulf coast seafood, thanks to BP, has been polluted forever, tainted with oil and oil absorbing chemicals like Corexit. No, the only fish I can eat are scaled fish. I can’t eat catfish, or farm raised catfish because of the antibiotics and agricultural chemical runoff in their ponds. Tilapia and salmon! Now there’s an option for me. No, you say? Farm raised Tilapia are bad for me? And Farm raised salmon are the worst of all? I must eat wild-caught salmon, and not too much of that because of the mercury contained in them.

So, can I eat bass and bream caught in my own pond? Yes, I suppose, but since I no doubt have some GMO corn in a bag somewhere on the premises, its proximity to the fish in the pond probably excludes them, too. Besides, I sprayed Roundup around the edges of my pond, so I guess that’s out, too.

No, apparently I must go to the farmer’s market and eat only such things as are available to me there. Fresh collard greens, mustard greens, and turnip greens. But wait, my urologist says that I cannot eat green leafy vegetables because of my past history of kidney stones. Maybe I can buy some of those hydroponically grown tomatoes, not the cardboard-methane-gassed kind in the grocery stores, but those grown on a nearby farm where they cultivate those tomatoes year round. Nope? Why not? Because they have been fertilized with artificial fertilizers you say? I am told that I should just eat the certified organic tomatoes, grown by a certified organic farmer. We’ve all seen those tomatoes, the ones with the tomato worm holes in them, the ones with the brown spots from wilt and blight. And never, they say, should I eat canned tomatoes, since the acid in the tomato leaches out the bisphenols from the lining of the can, which will soon render me a candidate for non-voluntary admission to a mental health hospital.

I’ve decided on growing my own tomatoes. I will not use any pesticides, no fungicides, and no fertilizers, and I will eat pretty well as long as I can get used to the taste of tomato worms, which will grow to the size of a medium cigar, and hopefully will taste pretty good sauteed in a little soy sauce, a safe, fermented soy product. But wait….soy sauce is laden with salt. The safety of the fermented soy is counteracted by the high concentration of sodium. Maybe just tomato worms cooked on the grill. No, the smoke from the grill adds carcinogens. Maybe just baked tomato worms, toasted until they have the texture of shredded wheat, since I can’t eat the shredded wheat itself because of the gluten. And since when did the world become allergic to gluten? Bread as a food is as old as mankind.

Pharaoh Gnaugahydekentemt II sent for his court physician because of a whole litany of problems: flatulance, bad skin, halitosis, hiccups, erectile dysfunction, hair loss, skin eruptions, and constipation. These things were interfering with his day to day operations of Egypt, and more particularly, were threatening to cause his demise before he could finish the remarkable tomb he was building for himself.

“Stop eating bread, red meat, eggs, fish, poultry, milk, fruit, soy products, meat byproducts, processed foods, grains, and vegetables,” the court physician said.

“What does that leave me to eat,” the astonished pharaoh asked.

“Tomato worms.”

“We don’t have tomatoes here in the Nile valley,” said the Pharaoh.

“You’ll be quite hungry, then,” said the physician, “Or you’d better be finding some.”

“What about locusts and frogs?” asked the Pharaoh. “We have these periodic outbreaks of locusts and frogs caused by those pesky Hebrews.”

“No, they’re no good. The locusts are all fed on pesticide laden, GMO grains. The frogs? The frogs eat the locusts. They’re contaminated, too.”

“Well, Mr. Physician,” curtly asked the pharaoh, “What do I eat?”

“Wine and whiskey are the only safe foods. If you consume enough of them, all your symptoms will go away.”

“But they’ll kill me,” said the pharaoh.

“But you won’t care!” said the physician.

Shortly after that, the Memphis and Alexandria papers had a full page ad calling for applications to fill the abruptly opened position of court physician. The Luxor Gazette reported that the intoxicated pharaoh had accidentally fed the previous court physician some poisoned dates.

Ooops!